So what do I get for my $14.95?

Here are some excerpts from the document. Pictures have been removed (you cheap bastard! Quit trying to reverse-engineer my pig kiln!)


Introduction

With all due respect… You poor, dumb bastard!  You just paid good money for a set of plans to build a wooden pig cooker!  Have you told anyone of your brilliant purchase?  Did they laugh?  I thought so.  But what visionary doesn’t endure some taunting, right?

Well, rest assured this is not a scam.  These plans do in fact exist and work.  I’ve built more than two dozen pig cookers using this plan—each one a success (though my definition of success various on a pig roast by pig roast basis ;-). 

There is no magic to this thing.  My plans are not rocket science.  My first pig cooker was made from 100% scrap materials left over from a renovation I was working on.  So while I’ve refined my plans and materials (largely for the sake of selling them to you), know that any number of substitutions and improvements can be made on my cooker.  I’ve taken the “how can I make this as simple and cheap as possible” approach to my plans since I have to rely on YOU to put this thing together (and let’s face it: if you were that bright, you wouldn’t have bought these plans to begin with!)  Anyway, I encourage you to be creative and take my plans to that proverbial next level.  And if you do, send me a picture!  I’ll post your glory on my website for all the world to see.

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Construction

  1. Open beer.  Take sip.  Exhale dramatically.  Wipe brow.  Time to get to work!
  2. Let’s do some cutting (I’ve found it’s best to get this out of the way before we get to those other 5 beers.)  Since you bought plans for a wooden pig cooker, I’ll assume you prefer pictures to narrative.  So just look at the pretty pictures below and cut to spec.  I’ve taken the liberty of labeling some of these parts for you for reference later in these instructions.  You’re welcome.

Some additional notes concerning cutting:

Try to be accurate, but if you have some small gaps when it’s all said and done, just tell everyone you planned it that way—to let just the right amount of heat and smoke out to control cooking temperature.  They’ll buy it.

In the cutting diagram, the hardest part is probably going to be the two K pieces (because they require ‘island cutting.’  If you have a jig saw, this would be a good place to use it.  If not, you can do it with a circular saw by pulling that pesky safety guard out of the way and going straight down with the blade, overshooting your marks a bit so that you get all the way through.  However you manage it, save the K pieces, as they will become doors (If you are an able to save them and have no doors, life will go on).  These doors (or holes) are necessary so that you can keep adding charcoal.

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Lid assembly:  

But before we start, let’s talk about the lid…  In all the pictures you saw of this thing, you saw a rounded lid.  But my instructions below are basically for an angular lid.  Why?  Because the round lid is a royal pain in the ass to do and took me several attempts to get it right (the issue is with trying to cut perfectly round cuts by hand, and then trying to wrap a piece of wood around them).  It takes some special tools and 4-5 people, and is unnecessarily complicated.  So I came up with a simpler version that doesn’t require the effort that the round lid does.  Really, there isn’t any difference from a functional point of view.  Your pig will cook just as well either way.  But if you think the round lid just looks cool and want to tackle it, contact me and I’ll try once me to talk you out of it before caving and telling you what you need to know.

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Almost there, champ.  Have another dramatic sip of beer.  You da man.  To wrap things up, we just need to get the grease catcher installed.  Take that piece of ductwork (or any other flat piece of metal) and do your best to flatten it out.  It doesn’t have to be perfect.  Now fold it in half and then unfold it.  The result should be a crude V shape.  This will be a trough that serves to catch all the drippings so that they go into the grease can and not the fire (because the last thing you need is a grease fire of this magnitude.)  The plan is to position this trough inside the box on an angle so that the grease flows into the can.  You’ll attach it (just be screwing in the ends that you fold up a bit) on the elevated side (about 5” down from the top of the box).  The other side should just rest on the can (essentially making a giant flap.)  (I realize folding metal is easier than I’m making it sound.  If you have a pair of tin snips, that will make life easier.  If not, just muscle through it.  Maybe a pair of pliers would help?)  Screw it in to the side opposite of your grease bucket, about 5” below the top of the box.  You’d be wise to test this with some water to make sure that it flows into the can.  (Note: there is a reasonable chance this grease can is going to overflow (depending on how fatty your pig is).  That’s okay.  Just make sure you’re on a surface where you don’t mind a little pig juice.

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Q. How do I serve the pig?

There is no right or wrong way, but I personally think the fun of a pig roast is picking the pig right off the grill.  If you’re going to cut it all up and serve it to your guests, you might as well have just bought pulled pork from the store!  I typically man the grill with an unnecessarily large knife (for dramatic effect) and meat fork, and just hack away at it and put portions on plates as people line up and come by.  The brave can just dig in on their own.  When I get bored of playing pigmeister, I just stick the knife and fork in the pig and walk away to leave every man to himself. You can also set up a couple of foil pans on the side of the pig (which will stay warm since this whole thing is still quite warm.)  You can put plain pork in one of them, maybe some BBQ sauce in another.  I personally like to take my secret sauce (instructions later on) and douse the whole pig in it, adding more generously every so often.  I usually put a side of it by the pig for people to dip into as well. 


Enthralling, isn't it? Don't you want to be able to tell your friends you know how to build a wooden pig cooker? Do the right thing. Buy it. Go on. Do it. Hurry up! My pig cooking empire could go under any minute. And when I eventually go down in a blaze of pig cooking glory, the value of these plans will increase. It's a GREAT investment. Do it! Buy it!!!

 

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Want to build your own Pig Kiln 3000? Buy the plans for just $14.95. Even if you never follow through, it will make for a good bar story.